THE WEEKLY FABRICATION
A strange report surfaced this week prompting authorities to issue a warning to all dog owners. According to the report a local man took it upon himself to punish two people who chose to ignore the city’s “scooping” ordinance by pelting them with their dog’s feces.
The city’s ordinance requires that all dog owners pick up after their animals, though it is rarely enforced, officials admitted.
John Peterson, a businessman from Miami, witnessed one such incident that occurred at Wagner Field.
“This woman was walking her dog and it stopped and did its business,” Peterson said. “I didn’t really think anything of it. Then I see a crazy man running across the field. He picks up the mess, throws it at the woman and runs off.”
“It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen,” said Tonya Gonzales, who was in town on vacation from Kansas City. “I threw up in my mouth.”
“The woman just stood there crying,” said Andrew Thompson of the victim. “I’m sure she was stunned. I would be too if someone hit me with a pile of crap.”
Mr. Thompson described the man as “disheveled and grubby with a Grizzly Adams style beard.” He believed the man was wearing gloves, though he was not certain.
“You just don’t expect to see someone attacked with shit in broad daylight,” said Henry Pratt of Sydney, Australia. “Not in Aspen anyway.”
The second incident occurred the following day on the corner of Monarch Street and W. Hopkins. The victim of this pelting, who asked that his name be withheld, was interviewed at the scene.
“That guy is a maniac!” he yelled. “I want him found and prosecuted! Look at me! I’m covered in dog shit!” Pointing to his fecal splattered Labradoodle, a Labrador-Poodle hybrid, he shouted, “And look at poor Billy Ray! It’s going to cost me $200 to run him through the groomers! I want that lunatic to pay for it!”
Asked why he had ignored the city’s scooping ordinance, he replied angrily, “I usually pick it up! But sometimes I just don’t feel like it! Okay? So, screw you!”
“It was a bizarre thing to see, for sure,” said local, Damon Oliphant. “But that guy kind of seemed like a dick. So maybe he deserved it. You know, a karma thing.”
If you have any information regarding either attack please contact local authorities.