Dog Waste Radical Contacts Media

April 24th, 2006 at 05:26am Keith Hemstreet 8

THE WEEKLY FABRICATION

In an odd twist to an already bizarre string of events “Johnny Do-Do,” as he has been dubbed by Aspen locals, contacted the press demanding that a letter “explaining his beliefs” be published by at least one local media outlet.

Over the past two months Johnny Do-Do has been linked to three separate incidents in which a dog owner was attacked with dog feces after they neglected to pick up after their pet. (See “Negligent Scoopers, Beware!” and “Dog Doo Vigilante Strikes Again”)

“Apparently the offender has an agenda,” said officer Jennings, the lead investigator on the case. “If the letter is not published within the week he promises more frequent and vicious attacks.”

The handwritten letter was reviewed by police and sent to the FBI for diagnostic testing.

“The FBI will be able to tell us what we are dealing with,” Jennings said. “Is this man simply disturbed, or do we have a full fledged psychopath on our hands?”

Whether or not the letter will be published is still a topic of debate.

“We just don’t know at this point,” Jennings said, speaking of the matter at a press conference.

Asked why the man had not yet been apprehended, Jennings responded, “You would think that spotting a homeless looking man in a trench coat with a giant beard wouldn’t be difficult. He should stick out like a sore thumb in this town. But he somehow manages to vanish after each attack. It’s been really frustrating.”

A $5000 reward is still being offered for any information that leads to the fugitive’s capture.

Entry Filed under: Aspen