All Alone, At Last

April 27th, 2006 at 07:13am Jamie Lynn Miller 16

When’s the last time you enjoyed your own company? It’s actually kind of hard in a small town. If you’ve lived in Aspen 10 years, like I have, it’s quite difficult to be left alone. Sometimes, I like going to dinner by myself, bringing a book or a magazine and getting into my own head and space for awhile, but there will inevitably be a waiter that I know by face, and three people at the next table that I totally know, also enjoying the bar special, and when the bartender yells out that it’s time for shots, I feel loved and amongst friends but also wonder if there’s anywhere I can go where no one knows my name.

This isn’t because I’m popular; it’s because it’s hard to spend time alone without running into distractions, which fill up your space with otherness. This last week I’ve had two significantly satisfactory alone moments, and I credit two things for making them possible: off-season, and hormones. I’ve heard that men, too, suffer from some sort of PMS, and simply don’t get the societal nod to blame it on hormones. Poor guys. Seriously; because I’ll relish the fact that my PMS is legitimate, and may even be an acceptable excuse for demonic behavior in a court of law; but, in order to avoid that possibility, I know that when I’m PMSing, it’s best to be, in the words of the great Hugh Grant in Four Weddings and a Funeral, “where others are not.”

It started yesterday, with a slight panic attack and an overwhelming energy low, and as I tried to psych myself up to go to the gym, I found myself detouring to Zele for a cappuccino while I pondered the idea of a workout. I then realized I was hungry, and that I really should eat but then I’d be full, and maybe I should go see a movie in an hour and just relax. Yes, I should go and sit in a dark theater and be by myself. Abort mission workout and proceed with total alone time and ultimate distraction on the big screen.

Truthfully, going to the movies alone is one of my favorite things to do, hormonal or not. I love sitting in a darkened theater, engrossed in some sort of movie while my mind wanders and I don’t have to be burdened with commenting on the plot, or discussing the characters or telling someone what so and so just said; I like to laugh out loud, to no one, or cry and realize I’m probably crying about something else and be glad all over again that I’m alone.

Yesterday, though, I was totally into being alone and glad to be so at the movies. I ate a whole package of Red Vines, while watching another depressing Jennifer Aniston role – she’s found a new niche playing the ordinary, working class issue-fraught heroine in at least a handful of recent films – and I wondered whether the movie was actually meaningful, and thoughtful, or whether I was just extra-sensitive at the moment. It didn’t matter, as the whole endeavor made me feel slightly refreshed and sort of at peace when I got home.

Combine PMS with the streets of off-season, and you have a recipe for quality alone time, guaranteed. I mustered up the energy to go to the gym today and immediately felt better. I had a cappuccino before I went, just in case my natural high didn’t kick in. That’s another symptom of hormonal surges: increased caffeine intake. Finally, I was hungry in a healthy, I-just-worked-out-kind-of-way, and I decided to get some Chinese take-out and go straight home.

But the sun was shining full throttle, and as I waited for my to-go order, I loitered outside on the stools between McStorlie’s and Little Ollie’s. I didn’t read the paper; I contemplated getting on the cell phone, and then realized anew how much I hate talking on my cell phone; so, I just sat there. I savored the sun on my cheek, I gazed across the street and took in the silence of off-season and for the first time in awhile, I felt like I was having a quality alone moment in broad daylight.

I decided to eat my food right there and enjoy the perfect spring afternoon. I got a $3 corona, turned over the plastic lid to my Kung-Pao Tofu and arranged my dinner– apparently, to-go plates are an invention of the future – and I looked around to take in the scenery. A woman walked by wearing a “Jesus First” baseball hat. I began to feel like I was somewhere else. The bartender came outside to smoke, and asked, “How’s your dinner, madam?” I smiled, and looked in the window of the restaurant. The waitress was sitting down, passing the time, reading a Tale of Two Cities, in hardback. I wondered whether she was in school or just enriching herself during her own downtime. My wind wandered, uninterrupted, and I remembered just how much I like off-season.

Entry Filed under: Movies, Health, Fitness, Sports, Aspen, Women