Countdown To Aspen's Doom

January 27th, 2007 at 06:22am Keith Hemstreet 8

After reading an article about the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientist’s “Doomsday Clock,” a symbolic clock created in 1947 to measure the threat of nuclear war, I was compelled to build a similar mechanism to accurately track Aspen’s demise. It will follow the same scale of measurement used by the original Doomsday clock. When the clock strikes midnight, well, as Prince once said, “Party over, oops, out of time.” I call my creation “Aspen’s Doomsday Clock.”

The clock, which will be adjusted based on a complex algorithm created by me, will be housed in an secret location. Secret to everyone, but me, of course. I will notify the public of any changes. I will issue warnings. I will ride the streets on horseback, leading a mass exodus, when the clock tells me to do so.

For proprietary reasons, I cannot reveal details of the algorithm, nor would your far too simple minds understand it if I did, but I will tell you it contains thousands of variables. Variables such as man-fur per capita, the average decibel level of condescending speak directed at working class citizens, purse toted dogs as a percentage of the total canine population, and the overall weight of diamonds and jewelry within city limits at a given time.

Locals Only, Bro
This clock is for locals only. Others need not be informed of the time. On average, vacationers and wealthy second homeowners are far too shallow to understand the death of a town’s soul. “A town does not have a soul,” they say. As more fractional condominiums are erected they shout “progress!” They are oblivious to the last great places. “The Red Onion is closing?” they say. “Good riddance. Its interior is really quite dreadful.”

When Aspen’s Doomsday Clock strikes midnight it’s time to pack up your rusted Land Rover and head for Telluride, Crested Butte, Sandpoint Idaho, Fernie BC or the like.

So, What Time Is It?
Based on my latest calculation, it is four minutes to midnight. If you just threw your hand over your mouth and gasped in fear, you’re not alone. Most, including myself, reacted the same way. Our town is in jeopardy. We stand at the brink of inhalation. Today we are Aspen, tomorrow we’re nothing more than Vail.

Carpe Diem, my friends. The end draws near.

Entry Filed under: Technology, Aspen, Pitkin County

4 Comments Add your own

1. Lost Sailor | January 27th, 2007 at 9:53 pm

Keith - I find this concept compelling, and I wan't desperately to be at least a consultant. this is well worthy of an aspen instutite/physics institute joint collaboration at the very least.

I have seen another disturbing trend that lends to the weight of the doomsday clock's pendulum - the ski helmet cell phone adapter......an omen if you will..but may i suggest a reclamation of sorts instead of a horseback led exodus (perhaps that can be the rouse) - the skibums effectively homesteading the vacant timeshares and trophy ranches...let's brainstorm on this immediately in an old mine tunnel on ajax.....
2. alpha6 | January 28th, 2007 at 8:33 am

Keith,

I hope one of your variables is the amount of kickbacks and graft the city council members are receiving by erecting ever confusing building rules and regulations that can, of course, be over turned with a vote by them (get it, wink, wink) for the "good" of the city.

Face it, this town is a whore, selling itself out to whoever can pony up the dough. And the realtor's, "investors" and the city council are the pimps. Watch out if you are trying to mess with their bizness...very soon now you will not be welcome in the town you grew up in.
3. Bigbaldbobby | January 28th, 2007 at 4:43 pm

Keith, now that is an entertaining blog if I've ever read one. I think I even laughed out loud on the doomsday clock formula. The only thing I think you should consider in the complex algorithm is the number of people who have had a time share at the Ritz(or other) for two years but have the audacity to call themselves 'locals' whenever someone is in listening range of their phone in the ear-thingy at Starbucks. That's high on my 'grinds-my-ass-ometer' and those people should immediately be dispatched to the nearest front range ski area of their choice.
4. Lost Sailor | January 28th, 2007 at 6:05 pm

Alpha6 - be sure to brng those talking points up at the next tim semrau fan club meeting - and while you're at it, do me a huge favor and tell him that spec duplex on cemetary is the ugliest thing I've seen in a while. he should be tarred and feathered for that. check it out.

Those are some constructive algorithm suggestions Bigbaldbobby....

but what happens to the clock when something positive happens - like for example a developer gets sued? Or someone get's run out of town.