The Great Aspen Boob Robbery

May 20th, 2007 at 07:46pm Michael Conniff 2

Stuff happens here that just can’t quite happen anywhere else—no way, no how. There’s the one about the bimbette who borrowed her boyfriend’s credit card and happened to charge her new boobs to his account.

And now, ready or not, there’s this one.

We’re talking about an innocent girl, a victim of aural sex.

So to speak.

Here’s the details.

There’s this girl. That’s the way it always starts.

She was beautiful, you see, beautiful in that young voluptuous way. She was so beautiful she could go to a fancy wedding at one of those ski resorts and forget her dress—and then look drop-dead gorgeous in the thing she bought for ten bucks at Wal-mart just in time.

True story. Gospel.

Her marriage blew up on schedule because she was way too young, and she decided to move from downvalley to up about the same time her weight started going down, down. She was voluptuous no more, you see, but still every bit as beautiful and innocent as before.

The innocent part is important, too, because this guy—you know the type—he has his own jet. Do you need to know anything else? The guy with the jet starts to take her places, to give her things, to suck her in, so to speak. Pretty soon he wants to give her new boobs.

Not marriage. Not a house or car. Her boobs—given to her by him--are the only thing on the table.

No big deal: they’re on him.

And she’s going to do it to have the same thing she had twenty pounds ago—big ones. And she’s going to do it for the same reason people do it…because they just do it.

But there’s a boob alert going out to her friends in Aspen about the boobs. She’s too young to be having this guy not her husband giving her boobs. Boobs are not a watch or a necklace though you do get to wear them on important occasions. They cut into you and put the boobs right in there and it’s not like they’re going anywhere. Boobs you take with you.

So here’s my two cents, even though what do I know: if you see her, tell her she’s beautiful just like that, and that she could not be any more beautiful with the new jumbos. It’s the innocence that makes her beautiful and when the boobs come in the innocence goes out, because then a woman has made a decision about her body, her self, and the course of human history that cannot be laid off on someone else.

Nobody can do it to you—not really—because you have to do it to yourself.

A boob job, you see, is the end of the beginning…and the beginning of the end.

Entry Filed under: Fashion, Health, Aspen, People

6 Comments Add your own

1. steve@goldenberg.com | May 21st, 2007 at 2:03 pm

Michael: You're way too left wing on this one, I mean those two.
2. Edward Troy | May 21st, 2007 at 9:17 pm

disgusting, and as Jefferson Airplane said Plastic Fantastic Lover!!
3. reckless G | May 22nd, 2007 at 11:28 am

Michael,

I appreciated the break from national and world issues you provided on the first half of your show today. I thought about calling in to comment, but I was more interested in hearing what you and other callers had to say.

I’m curious about the situation this young woman is in. Was the breast augmentation suggested by her sugar daddy out of the blue, or perhaps did she complain that her boobs had shrunk and she didn’t feel attractive or sexy, THEN he offered the “gift?”

These are two completely different scenarios. In the first he selfishly wants her boobs larger for his own enjoyment. In the second, he wants to alleviate her insecurity about her body image.

Either way, here is my two cents…I don’t know how young this woman is or whether she plans to have children, but I hope she considers the ramifications of altering her breasts on any future ability to breastfeed. Also, pregnancy enlarges the breasts. With implants, this could cause pain and distortion. Hopefully she has discussed these issues with a doctor.
4. Mitch.Mulhall | May 22nd, 2007 at 11:24 pm

A woman's breast size has nothing to do with who she is.

Tell sugar daddy to pound salt… Right after you suggest the benefits of male enhancement surgery.

Cheers,
5. Edward Troy | May 23rd, 2007 at 11:32 am

Mitch,

that is the best.
Love it.
Sadly too many women in this valley are glorified prostitutes -- no quid pro quo, but quid pro boob(s), dinners, lines of coke, drinks and the guest list at the 'Bou.
If this is her first time, with this kind of issue, I genuinely empathize with her, since we both know, with near metaphysical certitude, that she is being duped. If not, she is merely a fool, about to be plundered, again and not for the last time. A pathetic social stat for whom, I would reserve no personal pity.

I have a friend who thought he was in love with an experienced woman in these matters and as chance would have it, I kind of knew Sugar Bear too, and understood his modus operandi -- even appreciated it,
for what it is. Well making this long story just long; my friend gave all he had and even indulged in the illegal purchases of crap I do not accept as OK -- anything for her; naturally she took it all and even stole from him, but that is a scratch. She gave nothing to him, but did go home pregnant after the guy repeatedly told her all she could do was clean his member, after he did someone else and did her. I have nothing but contempt for her.
6. Michael Conniff | May 24th, 2007 at 5:14 am

Sue:

Sugar Daddy did not meet her until after she was starved to near-perfection.

Best, Michael!