Let Us Drink Beer

March 7th, 2008 at 02:28pm Keith Hemstreet 8

More often than not, well-intentioned city governments really screw things up.  Such is the case in the debate over serving limits at the soon-to-be-open Aspen Brewery.  A December ruling stated that the brewery could not serve patrons in the “tasting room” (“bar” incognito) more than one-pint of beer in a 24-hour period.  As my buddy so eloquently put it, “What kind of crap is that?”

I concur, my friend.  Why are we even debating, anyway?  A brewery/pub is a wonderful addition to the city of Aspen.  As a town, it rounds us out.  Dare I say, it completes us.  We now have a historic Opera House, many fine restaurants, a ski mountain at our doorstep, an prominent institute for intellectual discussion, a renowned music festival, a McDonalds and last, but not least, a brewery.  That’s just about everything a town needs to claim world-class status.

Another important fact to consider.  Drinking beer makes people happy.  Consequently, not drinking beer makes people bitter and downright unpleasant.  Don’t we all want to be happy?   I know I do.

I’ve been anxiously awaiting a brewery since the Flying Dog Brewery up and moved to Denver.  When I heard about Aspen Brewery’s plans to open in town, I was ecstatic.  I remember commenting to my wife that if I ever go missing, don’t call Mountain Rescue, just peek inside the Aspen Brewery.  I’ll likely be seated atop my favorite stool, pondering life’s great mysteries over a pint.

In my humble opinion, the City Council should take a more laissez-faire approach to this issue.  I mean, really, beers are like Lay’s potato chips, you can’t have just one.

This is how I would resolve the issue, were I a councilman.

INT. CITY COUNCIL MEETING ROOM - AFTERNOON
City Council members sit around a crescent moon shaped table.  Councilman Keith looks unusually attentive.  Normally fighting off narcoleptic episodes during meetings, his eyes are wide, his posture soldier-esque.  As is evident from his participation, the Council is discussing something dear to his heart.

COUNCILMAN BUREAUCRAT: There is a very clear distinction between a bar and a brewery and we must make absolute certain that we all understand this distinction. Under the terms of zoning bylaw 4.17, chapter 12, article 17, breweries are permitted to operate within the Service/Commercial/Industrial zone.  Bars, however, are not.  Therefore, to maintain brewery status and avoid being shut down by the City, the room where beer is to be served must be referred to as a “tasting room” and patrons may only be served one-pint per twenty-four hour period.

COUNCILMAN KEITH (rolling eyes):  Jesus, you’re giving me a headache.  Why are you always referencing that damn book?

COUNCILMAN BUREAUCRAT: I’m simply citing the governing document by which this city is managed.  Perhaps Councilman Keith would be wise to peruse it on occasion.

COUNCILMAN KEITH: Oh, trust me, I tried.  I was sawing logs before I finished Bylaw 1, Chapter 1, Article 1.  They should hand that thing out to patients in lieu of anesthesia.

COUNCILMAN BUREAUCRAT (dumbfounded): How on earth did you get elected?

COUNCILMAN KEITH: Let’s put our finger on the pulse of the community, if you will, and settle this once and for all.

Keith gestures to the room full of local citizens who have, for some inexplicable reason, chosen to waste a few precious hours of their life sitting in a City Council meeting.

COUNCILMAN KEITH (cont): Please raise your hand if you think the one-beer limit is a good idea?

One person, an old woman, raises her hand.

COUNCILMAN KEITH: Who would like the brewery to also function as a bar so that we can drink as much as we want?

The arms of everyone else in the room go up high.

COUNCILMAN KEITH: The people have spoken, so let them be heard!  The brewery has absolute autonomy to operate as a bar, if they so choose.

Keith pounds his gavel on the table.  This gavel has no official purpose, legally speaking.  He bought it at a pawnshop in Leadville and uses it often during meetings to emphasize a point.  The remaining council members despise Keith’s gavel.

COUNCILMAN BUREAUCRAT (angry): There are regulations that apply to the SCI zone within which this property sits.  We cannot simply act as if these laws don’t exist.

COUNCILMAN KEITH: Why not?

COUNCILMAN BUREAUCRAT (wearing a pompous smile): Because, councilman Keith, that’s not how the government operates.

COUNCILMAN KEITH (speaking quickly): Jackass-says-what?

COUNCILMAN BUREAUCRAT: What?

COUNCILMAN KEITH: Exactly.

Chuckles from those in the room who appreciate Keith’s witty salute to “Wayne’s World.”

COUNCILMAN KEITH: What do you say we blow this lame meeting and head down to the brewery for a few pints?

Everyone cheers.  Councilman Keith slams his gavel and leads the charge through the council room doors.

There you have it.  Issue resolved.  Can we please move on to something more important, like relocating Aspen’s homeless to Arizona?

Entry Filed under: Politics, Aspen, Comedy, Pitkin County