Keith Hemstreet's Least Favorite Places In Aspen

April 5th, 2008 at 05:49am Keith Hemstreet 8

This week, the Daily News reported that the City of Aspen is requesting locals log on to aspenpitkin.com and complete a questionnaire. According to the article, the questionnaire asks people to list their three favorite places to congregate, as well as their three favorite places to be alone and reflect.

My first thought was that I didn’t want the city to know my favorite places. If they knew, they might do something stupid and ruin them.

So, instead I’ve opted to present the city with the three places that I don’t like to congregate, and the three places that I definitely don’t like to go when I want to be alone and reflect.

Top 3 Places I Do Not Like To Congregate

1) The patio outside Ink Coffee
Why? Because it consistently smells like raw sewage. Oddly enough, the smell of sewage has a negative impact on my appetite for coffee, bagels, or any consumable for that matter. Sure, the landlord has taken steps to reduce the powerful scent of methane that waifs through the air, but placing doormats over the drainage grates has proven ineffective in correcting the problem.

Note to cheap-ass landlord: You’re collecting ridiculous rents and have solid occupancy. Spend a little money and fix that shit.

2) The men’s locker room of any local gym
I know we’re all guys, but show some decency and cover your junk for God’s sake. This isn’t prison. And what’s with the naked guy on naked guy conversations?  My locker, it seems, is almost always located right between two guys who decide to carry on in the buff. Below is an example of such a conversation.

INT. LOCKER ROOM - AFTERNOON
Two naked guys, HARRY and RICHARD, converse. Harry slings his towel over his shoulder, keeping himself fully exposed. His buddy, Richard, tosses his towel into the hamper, puts one leg up on the bench, and leans on his knee. Seated between them is KEITH, who quietly wonders whether he can press charges against both men for aggravated assault.

HARRY: Richard, long time no see. What have you been up to?
RICHARD: We actually spent half the winter in Hawaii.
HARRY: Oh, wow. That sounds nice.
RICHARD: It was. We bought a place on Maui. The wife is tired of the winter by the time the New Year rolls around, so we compromised. Half the winter in Aspen, half in Maui.
HARRY: I hear you. My wife is over the cold, too. In fact, we just took the plane down to Cabo for a week to thaw out.
RICHARD: I love Cabo.
HARRY: It’s wonderful.
RICHARD: It really is.
HARRY: So, how’s your penis been?
RICHARD: Hanging in there. Thanks for asking. Yours is looking good.
HARRY: You think so?
RICHARD: Yeah, real healthy.
HARRY: Thanks. You know, I think it’s looking good, but it’s always nice to hear it from someone else. And, I must say, your penis is no slouch.
RICHARD: Oh, stop.
HARRY: No, I mean it.
RICHARD: Well, thanks.

Keith exits, stage left.

3) City Hall Meetings
Talk about boring. Not to mention pointless. Everyone pretends to know everything about everything when, in fact, they are actually developing their opinions based on others who vocalize their pretending. What you get are decisions whose foundation is the opinion of those who pretend best. Do you actually think the council members do their homework and come to these meetings prepared? Please.

The 3 Places I Do Not Like to Go To Be Alone And Reflect

1) Any High-end Retail Store
Who can think, let alone reflect, while being shadowed by a sales clerk who is giving you dirty looks? The kind of looks that say, “What are you doing in here? You can’t afford this place. Please, take your broke ass on down the road. I think the Gap is having a sale.”

2) Smuggler Mountain
On average, over 15,000 people hike Smuggler Mountain each day, nearly three times the local population. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but the point is, a lot of people walk up that mountain. So many people that you’re guaranteed to run into friends, co-workers and people you really do not want to see. Nothing kills an endorphin high like having to stop and make small talk every 100 feet. These days I only hike Smuggler in disguise, so please, if you see a Sheik trudging up Smuggler in full garb, leave him alone.

3) The Pitkin County Library
I would put the library on my favorite places list, if only there wasn’t a bum passed out in my favorite seat every time I visit. It’s a seat on the upper level, in the back corner next to several windows that flood the room with natural light; a wonderful place to sit and read a book of poetry, a novel, write in a journal or just kick back and ponder life’s great mysteries. The problem is that 9 out of 10 times, the seat is occupied by a sleeping bum. Much to my surprise, I recently found the seat vacant. I was thrilled and sat down to enjoy some reading. However, before I even opened my book, I noticed an unusual scent. By unusual, I mean repulsive. It was “bum stink.” Curious to determine the source, I stood up and looked around. I thought there must be a pair of sweaty bum socks lying around somewhere. When I didn’t see anything out of the ordinary, I knelt down and sniffed the chair. Sure enough, it stunk. Having to contend with countless hours of putrid body odor, the poor chair didn’t stand a chance. Over time the chair’s material had absorbed the stench. Like a prize horse with a broken leg, it was ruined. I left an anonymous note with the library staff stating that the great chair must now be burned.

So, there you have it Aspen, Keith Hemstreet’s least favorite places. My advice is that the City form an action committee made up of very, very smart people who can devise a strategy to improve these awful places. The action committee can then present their findings in a 252-page report and the City Council can vote on what to do after pretending to have read it.

Entry Filed under: Politics, Aspen, People, Comedy, Hiking, Outdoors