Turning 40...

April 6th, 2008 at 10:10pm B Jon Traylor 199

I turned 40 years old back on January 12th, yes quite the Capricornish type fella. (It only took me 2.5 months to write this!)... Always the over-achiever type, I had big, perhaps grandeurish type expectations of myself. Folks back home always said I'd be a Congressman or a Senator or a CEO of some big time company. I never quite understood their expectations of me, or why so.... perhaps they just thought this all-American boy might make something of himself and bring some pride back home to a drying, suppressed little West Texas oil field town. I was quite the athlete and drama and choir boy back in those days, a kid who was on the front page of our hometown newspaper often. Honestly, though, there isn't really much to return to there, unless I want to work for the prison.

I also bagged groceries, ran a check-out stand, stocked shelves, carried groceries to the little ol' ladies cars, and worked produce at the local grocery store when I wasn't in school, playing ball games or training horses or working cattle. One of my regular customers, Mr. Merritt, hooked me up with a six month paid internship with Congressman Charles Stenholm, D-Stamford, TX. in the United States Congress. I used to ride pick up as a kid and then later tried to calf-rope in the Stamford July 4th Rodeo. I wasn't much of a roper. I could rope the heck out of the dummies, but catching a speedy calf from atop a speedy quarter horse was a different story. Stenholm was quite a person, a hero to me to this day, and he was always at that 4th celebration.

When I left that job of four years to go off to college, the accounting lady, Ms. Cameron, whose son was a classmate of mine, came to me and asked me for my autograph. I was puzzled, and asked her why. She had these big puppy dog type tears in her eyes and said, "because I believe you are gonna be President of the United States someday, and I want your autograph." I obliged, somewhat puzzled, very embarrassed, yet also incredibly humbled. It was moments like those that perhaps fed the ego I used to have and the over expectations I felt. Looking back, I know now I had placed way too much pressure on myself to succeed. And believe me, I'd have a snowballs chance in Hell of ever being President, and a job I can assure you I do not want!

Yep, I turned 40, and I took a very serious, in-depth look at my life. Its almost as though I woke up and asked myself,
"where did your life go?" I realized I had spent my entire life trying to live up to everyone else's expectations, while neglecting my own, not truly accepting my own, not even knowing my own realistically.

I quit drinking, and thats quite cool, actually. I haven't had a drink in over two months now. I took a very long vacation, focusing on myself... connecting with myself again, accepting perhaps for the first time who it is that I am, what my assets are, what my liabilities and limitations are. I read books, went to at least 20 movies, camped out, hiked, rafted, rented a Harley and took off, only to realize four days later that my truck was in El Paso, Texas, four days away! --- And I slept, alot.

I thought alot about my life, who I am, what I want, what can I really do? What can I really do to leave a mark on society? I'm not sure, yet. But, I want to give, as often as I can, to as many as I can, in as many ways as I can. I was lucky enough to get a couple college degrees, to enjoy some experiences along the way... even to write a popular newspaper column titled 'Along The Way...'

I am also finally accepting of some serious failures in life, many of which I thought I'd never recover from, and probably haven't yet or will ever. I trusted people along the way, some people who frankly screwed me to the wall and left me to hang. It really is a selfish world we live in. I accept finally, that it wasn't their fault, it was mine. I've learned from those experiences now. I want to keep going, to keep moving forward, unabashedly, unashamedly, with courage, will, fervor, and with water'd down expectations.

I'll most likely end up divorced, and I'm finally accepting that that is probably a good thing, not a failure, as I had always previously thought. I'll most likely, now, be much more of a volunteer in the community than I ever have been. I've been approached many times to run for the town council, etc., but my priorities were not balanced out enough to do so, and I'm probably not "local" enough to have a chance. And, I have this incredibly refreshing and exciting will to just start over in my business, almost remaking it as though I had just started again, abeit 8 years after I moved here and purchased it.

I don't think turning 40 is a negative, by any way looked upon. As I've researched and come to know the facts about my biological maternal and paternal families, it is quite comforting to know that the men in my upline genes all lived into their 80's, even as alcoholics. I'm only half way there, and I think the glass of my life is indeed half full. The blessings bestowed upon my life are streaming into my cup continuously, to the point of over-flowing, consistently. I have so much to be thankful for, and I can't even identify them all yet.

And yes, I got the dreaded full blown physical at 40, too. Honestly, I was a bit worried. I didn't always make the best decisions, and I sure did like to party and have a good time. I never did any pot or drugs, but I sure liked to drink and have sex, so do the math.... And to think I used to think I wanted to be a Doctor. Thank God, cuz I would have probably ended up a Proctologist, and what a thankless job that must be! Yes, my prostate was fine, as were my triglicerides and colon, and my liver and blood pressure and cholesterol levels were all good, etc., etc. I didn't have any STDs or HIV or anything. The nurse said I "was as healthy as a race horse." Honestly, I was a bit worried about my cholesterol because I truly love meat and cheese and eat alot of it. My combined cholesterol score was like 170, so I ain't making any immediate changes to my diet anytime soon! One doesn't fix the wheel when it ain't broke!

As for now, I think I'll just be happy being happy. Its a pretty messed up world we live in. Our lives can also be quite messed up too. Yet, I thinks I gots lots to be thankful for, and surely alot to live for yet. Presently, I'm thinkin' about packing some horses up in the high country and putting some city slickers onto some serious cutthroats later this summer. I can already taste that cowboy cobbler. Star Eagle?-- you ready?

Thanks for letting me share. My best to all of you.

-- B. Jon Traylor

Entry Filed under: Aspen, Colorado, Family, The West, United Post