How An iPod Changed My Life

April 12th, 2008 at 07:26am Keith Hemstreet 8

I was recently given what may be my favorite gift of all-time, an iPod. I know. I’m late to the game. The iPod has been around for years. I should have had one long ago, but the truth is, an iPod is not a necessity. I can’t eat it and it doesn’t protect me from the elements. An iPod is a luxury item, and once you’re a father with two daughters (i.e. future shoppers) it becomes quite likely that you will never purchase another luxury item for yourself as long as you live.

My iPod was a gift for being a groomsman in my buddy’s wedding. This little miracle of modern technology has changed my life. Prior to having an iPod, I was burdened with the grim reality of life on this foolish planet. By simply adding some music to the equation, things have changed.

For example, I used to walk into work, greeted by the natural ambient sounds of an office – telephones ringing, computers humming, and orders being barked. With my iPod, I now burst through the door with fists clinched as Rage Against The Machine sings, “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me!”

The difference this makes is astounding. I used to dread the troubles that awaited me with each new day. But with Rage screaming defiantly in my ear, everyone can go fuck off for all I care.

“What’s that? I see your lips flapping, but I can’t hear a word. Got Rage stirring up revolutionary thoughts in my head. Yo, big boss man! Don’t think I’ll be getting to those TPS reports today! You heard me. Go suck it!”

I choose my music based on my mood, which swings wildly. When I come home after a long day’s work, anxious to see my wife and girls, it’s Dave Matthew’s “Steady As We Go.”

“I’d walk half way around the world just to sit down by your side,” sings Dave. Actually, girls, I’d walk all the way around the world for you, twice.

When I’m sad or just generally overwhelmed by life, I turn to Elliot Smith.

“I’ve got static in my head, the collected sounds of everything. Try to go to where it led, but it didn’t lead to anything.” No it didn’t Eliot. No it didn’t.

When I want to get philosophical, I dial up my man, Pink Floyd.

“So you think you can tell, heaven from hell?” I don’t know Pink. I just don’t know.

Reality, to my great joy, is a thing of the past. I now live within a series of music videos, a la MTV when they used to play videos. I walk down the street a Rock Star. For those who still can’t grasp the full potential of this portable music device, let me give you another example of the difference between life with and without an iPod.

First, life without.

Keith strolls down Main Street, his mind cluttered with noise pollution. A jackass tourist in a Range Rover honks at a local in a pickup who stops to let Keith cross the street. “If I could only smash that guy’s face,” Keith thinks. Safely across the street, Keith walks through the automatic doors of the bank and approaches the teller to withdraw some money. The bank teller informs him that he has no money. In fact, he owes the bank a handsome sum. Keith demands a loan. He’s starving, he says. The bank’s security steps up to apprehend Keith. He ties to resist, but they overpower him, tossing the broken man onto the cold, hard concrete outside.

Now, the alternative universe of the iPod.

Keith struts down Main Street in SLOW MOTION. The funky beats of Sublime dance in his head. Women walk past and turn to watch him go, their mouths agape, much like the women in that Viagra commercial. A jackass tourist honks at Keith as he walks across the street. Without missing a step Keith uses his telepathic Darth Vader powers to smash the douche bag's face into his steering wheel, several times. Moving on, Keith enters the bank to the Ludacris rap hit, “Number One Spot.“ Swaying to the beat, he steps to the teller to check on his cash-money. He’s so damn liquid that the teller starts handing over stacks of newly minted C-notes, just another day’s interest. The lights dim and a disco ball descends. Scantly dressed dancing girls emerge from nowhere. The teller hands Keith a diamond studded chalice filled with gin and juice. Gangster party proceeds.

Need I say more?

Entry Filed under: Music, Aspen, Comedy