Skull Smokin’ In The USA

May 10th, 2008 at 08:30am Keith Hemstreet 8

I haven’t been sleeping much lately, which means I’ve spent countless hours in the hopeless dark thinking of the most ridiculous things imaginable. The sleep deprived mind, I’ve learned, is not a sane mind.

Last night I could not stop thinking about a story I had read online. Two Houston teens, the story reported, were arrested for digging up a grave to make a pot pipe from a skull. The writer mentioned that he would love to hear the conversation that led to such a brilliant idea, so I figured I’d oblige him.

Two teens, Kevin and Wade, sit slumped on the couch next to a smoking bong. Kevin stares at the wall, Wade contemplates his navel.

WADE: Have you ever really looked at your belly button? They’re totally gross. Damn, bro. I’m getting sick just looking at it.
KEVIN: I have a solution.
WADE: What?
KEVIN: Stop looking at it.

Wade pulls down his t-shirt, covering his belly button.

KEVIN: Dude, I’m hungry. Why don’t you make yourself useful and pass me the crackers.

Wade passes Kevin a box of Ritz crackers. Kevin shakes the box, looks inside. It’s empty.

KEVIN: You dick.
WADE: What?
KEVIN: You ate all the Ritz, bro.
WADE: Hey, shit happens.

Kevin takes another monster toke from the bong. Staring at Wade, his eyes glass over and his mouth falls open.

KEVIN: Dude, I can see your skull.
WADE: What the hell are you talking about?
KEVIN: Your skull. I can see it. This weed has given me, like, X-ray vision or something.
WADE: Shut up.
KEVIN: I’m serious, bro. This weed if intense. Where did you get this stuff?
WADE: From Hector.
KEVIN: Hector? Why would you buy weed from that punk ass? I hear he laces his shit with Drano.
WADE: Why would he do something stupid like that?
KEVIN: Cus’ Drano’s addictive, bro. That way people only want his weed. It boosts his sales.
WADE: You’re an idiot.
KEVIN: Whatever, man. This shit is trippin’ me out. I’ve gotta get out of here before I lose it. Let’s blow this joint.
WADE: Where we going?
KEVIN: Seeing your skull gave me an idea. You want to do something really fucked up?
WADE: Maybe.
KEVIN: This is one of the craziest ideas I’ve ever had, dude. It will totally blow your mind.
WADE: Spit it out.
KEVIN: Alright, but take another pull of this bong first. You gotta be really stoned for this one.

Ten minutes later, Kevin and Wade are tramping through the neighborhood cemetery, shovels slung over their shoulders They stop at a grave with a small tombstone embedded in the soil.

KEVIN: How about this one?

Wade reads the inscription on the tombstone.

WADE: John Boyd. 1897 to 1908. How old is that?
KEVIN: What are you, my math teacher? This isn’t school, bro. Don’t try to make me exercise my brain.

Wade counts off the years on his fingers.

WADE: He was like, 11 or something.
KEVIN: Perfect. We don’t want an adult. You dig up an adult and you never know what you’ll get. They could have had be some crazy Frankenstein head that’s so heavy you gotta lift it with both hands. Little dudes have small heads mostly, unless you’re like that kid Calvin across the street with the gargantuan Good Year blimp head, but he’s just a freak. Odds are a young kid will have a little skull, so we’ll be able to hold it with one hand, light the weed with the other. Know what I’m saying?
WADE: I guess.
KEVIN: Start diggin’, bro. This is going to be the craziest shit ever.

So, anyway, that’s how my night went. I hope yours was more restful.

Entry Filed under: Aspen, Colorado, People, Comedy, Pitkin County, The West, United Post