America, The Perfect

May 17th, 2008 at 05:15am Keith Hemstreet 8

I am having a difficult time deciding which presidential candidate would receive my vote come November, should I actually remember to vote. I think my problem is that I know very little about the three candidates still vying for the top spot in the White House, other than the basics; white man; black man, white woman…Republican, Democrat, Democrat…war hero, dynamic speaker, wife of Bill…old as mummy dust, young and inexperienced, middle aged and somewhat bitchy, etc.

Ideally, I’d set aside some time to read the most recent book written by each candidate in order to gain a better understanding of who they are as a person, but that would mean I would have to read three books, so, forget it.

I’ve tried taking short cuts, browsing articles written about each of the candidates and their political views and found many of their quotes to be telling.

For example, Obama said, “I don't oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a rash war.” I, too, am opposed to a rash war. I mean, who in their right mind wants to do battle with an itchy rash? Not I. Take preventative action, I say. Use a good lotion, one with aloe vera. Prevent rash wars before they start, just like Obama says.

Hillary Clinton has gone on record as saying, “If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.” Amazing. She must have a different hairstyle planned for every day of the year. Cunning, indeed, but I don’t know that I could tolerate such craziness. However, there are things Hillary has said that I completely agree with, such as the following:

“The American people are tired of liars and people who pretend to be something they're not.”

Damn right, Hillary. I dislike untruths as much as the next guy. I think George W. Bush said it best, “Fool me once, shame on…shame on…you. But, fool me...uh…I can’t get fooled again.” That man certainly has a way with words. It’s too bad about the whole term limit thing. I’d just as soon keep that warm and fuzzy feeling I have each day knowing that G.W. is hard at work in the oval office ridding the world of bad people. And doesn’t he have a direct line to the man upstairs? I’ll tell you what, America, we’re spoiled.

Moving on to McCain, he predicted that the U.S. will, in fact, win in Iraq…somehow…at some point in the future. Justifying his prediction, McCain said, “I didn’t know when we were going to win World War II, I just knew we were going to win,” which makes me feel much better. (I also heard that he predicted Matt Grant would pick Shayne Lamas on this season’s “The Bachelor,” which he did, so it seems McCain has some kind of prophetic power. A definite plus). Granted, some of you may be saying to yourselves, “Shit, McCain was old enough to have had such mature thoughts about the eventual outcome of WW II? Good God, how old is he, really? 100?” Such concerns are irrelevant, as I’ve been assured by my friend, who was once a Senate Page, that the Government has access to top secret medical technology that can keep McCain alive and running the country well beyond the point that he officially dies of old age.

So, what I have here is a stalemate, a dead heat. I like all of the candidates. Therefore, I have but one choice, which is to leave my vote to chance. I am going to flip a quarter. If it lands on heads, Obama gets my vote. If it’s tails, I’ll vote Hillary. If the quarter lands on its side and balances vertically, I’ll vote for McCain. Regardless of the outcome, America wins. How fortunate we are to have such great leaders.

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