When Animals Attack

June 13th, 2008 at 07:50pm Keith Hemstreet 8

Last week it was reported that a gang of beavers flooded Highway 82. Most of us probably wrote this off as an unfortunate accident, but I’ve been told by a credible source that it was no accident at all. The beavers flooded our highway on purpose.

“They really despise your highway system,” said my source. “The air and noise pollution drive them crazy, and have you ever tried to cross a highway on foot? Not easy, is it? Those cars move fast. Well, try doing it with beaver feet?”

According to my source, other animal species are plotting attacks, as well. Some of these attacks, if executed successfully, could bring destruction the likes of which Aspen hasn’t seen since Ute City Grill was replaced by Burberry.

Okay, I must admit, my source is a raccoon, but this raccoon is not your typical garbage-scrounging varmint. He’s actually quite sophisticated. On weekends, you can typically find him dining at Rustique, where “the frog legs are to die for.” (His words, not mine). He was raised in Berkshire and thus, speaks with a British accent. Like many Brits, he can come off as pompous. That being said, his integrity is of the highest order.

So, you ask, what is the reason for this sudden rebellion? Animals have been our bitches since cavemen learned to carve spears. Why do they suddenly have their underpants in a bunch? I wondered the same thing, so I decided to question some of the animals.

“Frankly,” said a disgruntled Prairie Dog, “we’re sick of you humans acting like you own the damn place.”

He and his family recently found themselves homeless after construction forced them from their burrows.

“My Great Grandfather built those tunnels with his bare paws, and you assholes come along and dig us up without warning. That’s three generations of family history destroyed so you all can have another hideously over-decorated palace to gather and brag about how great you all are. I’m serious, your type really fries my ass!”

And the Beavers and Prairie Dogs are not the only animals hell bent on revenge. I’m told the skunks have been working on a system of complex underground tunnels that link pockets of noxious radon gases deep within the earth to air ventilation systems at several major hotels.

“My brother was squashed by a bulldozer,” said a striped skunk who asked to remain nameless. “He was deaf, so he couldn’t hear it coming, but I'm certain the driver could have avoided him if he had wanted to." After regaining his composure, he continued. "I know all about you humans. You’re of the mindset that the only good skunk is a dead skunk. Well, let me tell you something buster, paybacks are hell.”

The biggest mistake we humans could make is to ignore this serious threat. Our cushy Aspen lifestyle is at risk of being turned upside down. I suggest we elevate Aspen’s terrorist threat level from "non-existent" to "orange" so that the public will know with certainty, based on the orange designation, what sort of danger we are facing.

“Orange,” a concerned citizen will say after removing an olive from a toothpick with her teeth. “My goodness, Manfred. Stay alert, will you. These are crazy times. You never know when a rogue squirrel will scamper into the hotel lobby and chuck a moltov cocktail at the guests. You would think with science being what it is today, we could inject them with some sort of highly contagious Varmint Ebola and rid the earth of their vile presence. Anyhow, enough of this orange alert talk. My ulcer is beggining to flare up. Be a dear, would you, and fetch me another dirty martini.”

Entry Filed under: Aspen, Comedy