CON GAMES: ‘Nucons’ Drink New Coke Of Conservatism

June 16th, 2008 at 06:43pm Michael Conniff 2

We all know the neoconservatives would stop at nothing—war, famine, pestilence—to have their way in the Middle East based on a philosophy resistant to any and all strains of common sense. Nuclear weapons are not only on the table: neocons are busy sharpening the silverware.

But conservatives remain hopelessly out to lunch when it comes to energy and the environment, shackled to the slavish and self-defeating notion that Ready, Drill, Aim represents a roadmap for the future. With an historical abhorrence of alternative energy—hydro, solar, and wind are for liberal windbags—conservatives of all kinds have been haplessly, helplessly, hopelessly looking for a way to at least appear as if they have a plan for energy sustenance wherein oil and natural gas are nothing more than side dishes.

How can the conservatives drill for votes when they have spent decades decrying the tree-huggers?

Answer: when it comes to “alternative energy,” the nuclear option is back on the table for the nuclear conservatives, hereinafter known as Nucons.

The Nucons understand the nuclear option in a way that liberals never will. Just as our superiority in nuclear weaponry is a big stick to stick up the nether regions of our enemies around the world—neocons, never shy, threaten Iran as we speak— so too is nuclear power a shtick that allows the Nucons to blame the liberals for all our ills.

Nuclear power indeed needs to be back on the table—and soon. Despite what liberals might tell you, Three Mile Island never melted down, and “The China Syndrome” was nothing more than a nuclear disaster movie with the best box office timing in the history of popcorn. Despite exorbitant construction costs and the vexing problem of nuclear waste—how do Nucons spell Yucca Mountain?—the nuclear power industry in France and elsewhere has acquitted itself well.

When it comes to nuclear energy, the Nucons believe they have found the holy grail by splitting the atom. By embracing nuclear power as policy, Nucons are also able to act as if they finally had a new idea even as they blame the liberals—with some merit—for retarding the growth of the industry. Politically, the combination of blame and “alternative energy” is a slam dunk until you start to talk about nuclear plants and waste facilities in a voter’s backyard.

The Nucon policy is perhaps premature and ill-formed, but as a wizened Secretary of Defense, a man with frustrated Presidential ambitions, once said: “You go to war with the army you have.” In lieu of a real plan for alternative energy, the nuclear option for Nucons is the political equivalent of a free lunch. Like the neocons, in their heart they know they’re right.

Entry Filed under: Environment, Con Games, The West, United Post