Humbling The Egomaniacal Adolescent

June 28th, 2008 at 06:34am Keith Hemstreet 8

When I was in sixth grade we took a field trip to the Lake Worth Community Pool. I had just purchased a new bathing suit for the occasion. A Quicksilver, checkerboard number that matched very nicely with my checkerboard shoes. I believe I even wore a checkerboard hat, which would have been logical.

Every sixth grade class in the district was at the pool that day, so it was important that I make a statement. And I did. I was the dumb ass that was checkerboarded from head to toe.

You have to understand the importance of this gathering. These were the guys with whom I competed on the battlefields of adolescents. My basketball, soccer, and football foes. In addition, there were girls. Masses of newly developing girls. Some of the most beautiful creatures I’d ever seen, all flaunting their bodies for us gawking, pimple-faced boys. I imagine this scene was similar to that which a fundamentalist Muslim envisions just before he blows himself up.

After a couple flips off the high dive, I was feeling confident. I had drawn the attention of some babes and was even approached by a group on a fact-finding mission. “What’s your name? What neighborhood do you live in? Do you have a girlfriend?” Not yet, I thought. But soon.

Later that day a Lifeguard announced that there would be a relay race pitting school against school. How perfect, I thought. This is where I seal the deal with every girl at this pool. I’ll anchor the relay race and win the trophy for my school. There was no one in the county who could beat me in a freestyle race. Of this, I was certain.

Each team had four swimmers and it was unanimously agreed that I, being the strongest swimmer, would take the last leg. The race began, and we were in great shape throughout. The third swimmer on our team came down the final stretch neck-and-neck for the lead with the team from St. Marks, our arch rivals.

Roberto would be swimming the last leg for St. Marks. I knew him. It’s safe to say, we hated each other. We’d recently come to blows on the soccer field after he tripped me from behind. The fight, which was broken up quickly by the referees, was considered a draw and well known that our dispute would be settled at a later date.

“Anytime,” I’d even said passing him early that day surrounded by my posse. “Anytime.”

This was it. My chance to settle things once and for all with Roberto and take title of Alpha Male. Hundreds of kids lined the poolside cheering their respective school. Roberto was yelling at me from his platform, pounding his chest. It couldn’t have been scripted better.

However, when I dove into the pool something went terribly wrong. Upon entry, my checkerboard bathing suit was ripped from my body. “Holy shit!” I thought. “I’m naked! I’m in a pool in front of hundreds of people and I’m naked!”

I sat on the bottom of the pool, searching frantically for my suit, and finally noticed it floating on the surface some distance away. Without coming up for air, I snatched my suit and struggled to put it back on. I hoped that the pool water was distorting my image enough to conceal my nudity, but when I came up for air and could hear everyone laughing.
I quickly sank underneath the surface and wrestled with the snap. “Come on, snap, you piece of shit. Snap!”

The race may have been over before I even started swimming, I’m not sure, because by that time I was in shock. I swam the distance of the pool and back praying for an alien invasion or some such event that would be unique enough to overwhelm all memory of my being naked in the pool. Unfortunately, no such event happened. When I finished my lap, my classmates were in hysterics.

My initial plan was to drop out of school, move to another state, grow a mustache and change my name, but as most youth faced with humility, I was forced to return to school where I endured a constant ribbing from friends. When I was invited to a pool party, my invitation read, “No Skinny Dipping!”

I suppose there was a lesson in all of this. I had been humbled. Sure, it had taken a great toll on my psyche and general well being, but it’s always good to be humbled, right? To be stripped of your ego, put in your place, made to know without a shadow of a doubt that you are a buffoon. We were all buffoons, I concluded. Expect Roberto, of course, who won the race and became the heartthrob of all the girls.
I'm not sure why I told this story. It wasn’t because I was feeling overly confident about myself or anything. I guess I just wanted to remind us all that we shouldn’t take life too seriously.

Entry Filed under: Aspen, Comedy