Keith Hemstreet’s Conversation With God

July 12th, 2008 at 06:27am Keith Hemstreet 8

I recently stepped into church, knelt down, and began to pray. You can imagine my surprise when someone responded. The one-act play below is a transcription of the conversation that followed. I must inform the reader, my memory is infallibly photographic. Therefore, the dialogue’s authenticity is guaranteed. Not a single word has been changed.

St. Mary’s Church - Afternoon

Keith turns into a pew, kneels. Immediately, his attention is drawn to a shooting pain in both knees. “Why can’t the church spring for some decent cushioning on these f’ing kneelers?” he thinks. Deciding that God will be accepting of his prayers, whether he is kneeling or not, he sits back on the pew, gets comfortable, and turns his thoughts to the heavens.

Keith: God…
God: Yes.
Keith: (startled) Uh, who said that?
God: Me.
Keith: (looking around, puzzled) Me who?
God: Who do you think?
Keith: Gilbert Gottfried?
God: No. Me God, you imbecile.
Keith: Oh, I’m sorry. Your voice is just…different than I had imagined.
God: What sort of voice had you imagined?
Keith: I don’t know. Maybe something a little more “James Earl Jones-y.”
God: He certainly has a commanding voice, but, you know, this is me. So, anyway, what’s up?
Keith: I can’t believe I’m actually speaking with God.
God: Everyone eventually gets a chance to speak with me. Today just happens to be your day. So, come on. The clock’s a tickin’. What’s on your mind?
Keith: Well, since I have your ear, I’ve got a few questions I’d like to ask.
God: Like what?
Keith: Like why am I here?
God: Jesus, I should have known you’d ask that.
Keith: Wow, is Jesus there with you?
God: No, it’s just a figure of speech?
Keith: Oh. So, why am I here? What’s my purpose?
God: Hell if I know.
Keith: What do you mean? You’re the supreme being. The creator of all things. The architect of life.
God: You people give me far too much credit.
Keith: You’re not all those things?
God: Well, you know what they say. Perception is reality.
Keith: So you’re saying that we made all of that stuff up?
God: No, I’m not saying that…wait, yes I am.
Keith: What about us? I thought we were all part of some master plan, scripted by you. Don’t we have a purpose, a predetermined fate?
God: Not that I’m aware of.
Keith: What about divine intervention?
God: What about it?
Keith: Do you have a hand in anything that happens on earth?
God: Mmmm…not really, no.
Keith: What about heaven? Is there an afterlife?
God: That depends. Define afterlife?
Keith: Ascension of the soul. Life ever after. Eternal peace.
God: Well…it’s complicated.
Keith: So, what’s the point of prayer?
God: Does it make you feel better?
Keith: I guess.
God: There you go.
Keith: (shocked) Oh, my God.
God: Hey, watch it.
Keith: Why? What are you going to do to me?
God: I’ll strike you down with a bolt of lightening. How does that sound, bubba?
Keith: Really, you can do that?
God: No.
Keith: Do you have any powers at all?
God: (sarcastic) Do I have powers? Of course, I have powers.
Keith: Like what?
God: Like…well, oh yeah. When I get angry, it warms the temperature of the earth.
Keith: Wow, so you must be angry with us. Is that why we’re experiencing global warming? Because you’re angry at the way we humans are behaving?
God: No, no. I don’t get angry very often these days. Not since I’ve gone on meds. Plus, watching that shit-show of yours year-after-year starts to desensitize you. Now, I’m just like, ‘whatever.’ You know what I mean? Anyway, to answer your initial question, Global warming is caused by you people being idiots. Same goes for wars, disease, etc. Your lack of common sense boggles my mind. Do you realize your species is devolving? That means that you’re getting dumber.
Keith: Hmmm.
God: I thought that might be your reaction.
Keith: Do you have any other powers that might be helpful to us?
God: Oh, yeah. There is one other power I possess that I’m sure you’ll find impressive.
Keith: What is it?
God: I can see into the future.
Keith: Really? That’s awesome! What happens to me in the future? Do I live a long life? Am I able to provide for my family? Do I become rich and successful? Do I ever get to visit Antarctica?
God: Hold your horses, Kemo Sabe. I can’t see that far into the future.
Keith: Oh, well, how far into the future can you see?
God: About an hour.
Keith: That’s it?
God: Yep, and I must say, you’re next hour is looking stellar. After leaving church you’ll walk back to your office, eat that peanut butter and jelly sandwich that’s been in your desk drawer for two days, and watch a dozen or so clips on You Tube. (Laughs) I’ll tell ya, man, I never get tired of watching that grape lady bust her ass. You know the one I’m talking about? The lady stomping grapes at the vineyard who falls off the deck? Oh, Christ. In all my years, I’ve never laughed so hard at someone’s misfortune.
Keith: I thought you were a compassionate God.
God: I am…more or less.
Keith: But you’re laughing at someone who was injured.
God: Sorry, man. I get a kick out of watching people unexpectedly bust ass. So sue me.
Keith: I have to admit, I’m quite surprised by these revelations. I thought you played a bigger roll in our lives. What about the old “footprints in the sand” thing. You know, in our most troubled times there’s only one set of footprints because that’s when you carry us.
God: Can you hear that?
Keith: No.
God: It’s the world’s smallest violin playing just for you.
Keith: I guess I just assumed there was more to life than chance.
God: You know what they say about assuming, don’t you? It makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.”
Keith: Oh, man. Even your jokes are lame.
God: Are they?
Keith: Yeah.
God: They’re played out?
Keith: Yes.
God: Damn. You know, it’s hard to keep up with what’s hip these days. Everything changes so fast. It’s like music. I’m still wrapped up in that whole Seattle grunge thing. [Sings at the top of his lungs] ‘Here they come to snuff the rooster! Ah, yeaaaaaah!’
Keith: (plugging ears) Nice.
God: Thanks. I’ve been working on it. Layne Staley…that dude rocked! I think I got his voice down pretty good, don’t you?
Keith: Not really.
God: Screw you.
Keith: Can I ask a random question?
God: Hit me.
Keith: Do you know George W. Bush?
God: Not personally, no.
Keith: Have you ever spoken with him?
God: No, it’d be a complete waste of my time.
Keith: He said he speaks with you.
God: He speaks to me.
Keith: What does he say?
God: Nothing of value. Just things like, “Oh, God, please help the Texas Rangers win the pennant. Please, pretty please, please, please, please…” Stuff like that. Mostly sports related stuff.
Keith: Who’s going to become the next president of the United States?
God: One hour, remember?
Keith: Damn, that’s right. I’m not very impressed.
God: Hey, what’re you gonna do?
Keith: Well, who would you vote for?
God: Doesn’t matter. It’s all entertainment to me.
Keith: Jesus.
God: Where?
Keith: It’s just a figure of speech.
God: Oh, because I’ve been looking for him. He’s all bent out of shape, wants to go back to earth and “right the ship,” so to speak. I told him he’d just be getting himself into another mess, but you know kids. They don’t want to hear it.
Keith: So Jesus might be here on earth?
God: Could be.
Keith: What’s he really look like?
God: Pretty much like the pictures you’ve always seen, but without a full-beard. He’s sportin’ a goatee. I told him like this. I said, “Yo, that look don’t fly these days, bubba. You’re going to be mistaken for a child molester and tracked on the internet everywhere you go. Ya heard me, homes. Represent.” But he was like, ‘whatever, yo’, so I was like ‘yo, whatever’ and then he just blazed the crib. Big pimpin’, all crunked up, 40 in his lap. Know what I’m sayin’?
Keith: Why are you talking like that?
God: For the hell of it.
Keith: You know what, I have to get going.
God: Really, I was just starting to enjoy this conversation.
Keith: I haven’t had my coffee yet and I’m starting to get a headache.
God: Oh, caffeine headaches. They’re a bitch.
Keith: Yeah, so, anyway. I guess this is goodbye.
God: Not necessarily. I might just get around to you again one of these days.
Keith: Well, you don’t have to if you don’t want.
God: You never know. You might just get lucky.

Keith stands and walks towards the church exit.

Keith: Don’t trouble yourself.
God: Alrighty, then. Have a good one.
Keith: See ya.

Keith exits onto the street. He walks the sidewalk, depressed over his recent encounter with God. The streets are empty, quiet. He is alone with his thoughts.

God: Hey, buddy.
Keith: Yeah?
God: There’s one more thing.
Keith: What’s that?
God: Your barn door is open.

Keith looks at his fly. Sure enough, it’s wide open. He forgot to zip it after his last visit to the restroom.

Keith: Oh, man. Thanks, God. I’m on my way back to work. That would have been embarrassing.
God: Don’t say I never did anything for you.
Keith: I won’t.
God: Okay, run along now.

Keith turns to walk away, but stops, looks back to the sky.

Keith: You’re a good man...or whatever you are.
God: Thanks, that means a lot.
Keith: Don’t mention it.
God: Call me anytime.
Keith: I just might, God. I just might.

Entry Filed under: Aspen, Comedy