Keith Hemstreet Interviews The Dalai Lama

July 26th, 2008 at 07:19am Keith Hemstreet 8

This weekend, the Aspen Institute welcomed the Dalai Lama as its keynote speaker for a symposium on Tibetan culture, art, science, and spiritualism. Keith Hemstreet caught up with His Holiness for a brief interview at the J-Bar.

Keith enters, looking slightly frazzled. He spots the Dalai Lama who is seated atop a stool the far end of the bar. Keith approaches, puts down a mini-tape recorder and presses the record button.

Keith: Let me tell you right up front. Everything you say is on the record. That’s just how I do it.
Lama: Okay.

Keith notices the Lama’s drink.

Keith: Bloody Mary? Nice choice, my man. [to bartender] I’ll have one, too. Grey Goose, and double it up.
Lama: How are you, my son?
Keith: I’m okay. A little hung over, but okay.
Lama: It is a pleasure to meet you.
Keith: Yeah, dido. Listen, I know you don’t have a lot of time, so let’s get down to brass tacks. I’ve got a lot of crazy shit going on in my life. I need some sort of balance or clarity or something. A way to keep the demons at bay, so to speak. So, my question to you is, how would one go about attaining buddhahood?

The bartender brings Keith a double bloody Mary.

Keith: [to waiter] You are my hero. [to Lama] Sorry, Lama. You were saying?
Lama: There are the Eight Verses of Training the Mind. They include compassion, altruism, aspiration, and so on. Each of these must be mastered.

Keith has already finished half of his Bloody Mary. He wipes his lips with his sleeve, clears his throat.

Keith: That sounds like it would take a long time.
Lama: Yes. Many, many years.
Keith: Are there any short cuts? What if I wanted to become a Buddha within the week? Are there any condensed courses I could take online or at a vocational college or something?
Lama: No.
Keith: You know, you should look into that. I bet you could make some serious coin. Think about it, dude. You could be the Trump University of buddhahood. Hear me out for a second. I’m already seeing the infomercial in my head. “Hello, I’m the Dalai Lama and for the first time ever, I’m offering you, Joe Public, a condensed path to enlightenment. In only five short days, you too, can become a Buddha, just like me. When you order “The Lama’s 5-Days to Unlocking the Buddha in You,” you get 10 instructional CD’s, plus the “Making Of Blooper DVD”, all for only $99.99. You heard me right, total enlightenment and a hilarious blooper video, all for under $100. Pick up your phone right now. Operators are standing by. Don’t forsake your soul. Enroll in Lama University today.” What do you think? Sweet idea, yeah?

The Lama nods politely, as if giving some consideration to Keith’s ridiculous suggestion. Keith downs the rest of his Bloody Mary.

Keith: Well, given that there isn’t a condensed course at the moment, let’s say, for the sake of time, I just wanted to focus on one aspect of buddhahood? We’ll go with compassion. And I’m not talking about compassion for the less fortunate, you know, the starving, homeless, disease stricken, handicapped…people like that. I’m good there. I’m talking about compassion for those who really don’t deserve compassion. Like the asshole that intentionally takes your parking spot at City Market, a parking spot you’ve been waiting on for five minutes and even had your blinker on to indicate that you were turning into the spot. I mean, really, how do I have compassion for that fucker? Because that’s the kind of guy I want to pull from his car and beat the shit out of, you know what I mean?
Lama: As it says in “Training of the Mind: Verse 1,” we must develop an attitude that enables you to regard other sentient beings as precious, much in the manner of precious jewels. Even the guy that takes your parking spot.
Keith: Come on. Saying it is one thing. Following through is another. It’s human nature to get angry when someone screws you over. Personally, I go ballistic. Do you guys have some sort of secret to remaining calm in tense situations?
Lama: You have to learn to control your mind, to control the thoughts that enter your mind.
Keith: Funny you say that because you know what I’m thinking right now? I’m thinking I need another drink. Bartender, our holiness and I would like a couple more drinks, but this time we’re not playing around. Two vodka gimlets straight up. What do you say, Lama? Let's take this party to the next level?
Lama: No, thank you. I'm giving a lecture this afternoon.
Keith: Fine, I’ll drink yours.
Lama: Back to your question. I would also like to cite the second verse of “Training the Mind.”
Keith: I’m all ears.
Lama: It says, “Wherever I go, with whomever I go, may I see myself as less than all others, and from the depth of my heart may I consider them supremely precious.”

The waiter approaches the table with two vodka gimlets.

Keith: Both right here, buddy. The Lama has a lecture to give and can’t be slurring his words. I, on the other hand, don't have shit to do.

Keith laughs as he squeezes a lime into each gimlet.

Keith: So, let me get this straight. You’re saying I have to view myself having less value than others?
Lama: Yes.
Keith: That’s impossible.
Lama: Why?
Keith: Because I’m better than most people. I’ll give you an example.

Keith points to a disheveled gentleman seated at the other end of the bar.

Keith: See that piece of shit over there? He’s been divorced twice, has five kids, four amongst his two wives and one with a former mistress, and not one of them likes his sorry ass. He’s a bum. Just look at him. It’s not even noon and he’s hanging out at a bar…alone, for God sakes. Doesn’t even have a goddamn job. He’s living off of his parent’s trust, squandering his kid’s inheritance on booze and you’re telling me I should view myself as a lesser person than that lowlife, scumbag?
Lama: Pardon me for doing so, but I’d like to quote the Third Verse of “Training the Mind,” which says, “May I examine my mind in all actions and as soon as a negative state occurs, since it endangers myself and others, may I firmly face and avert it.”
Keith: Again, not possible.
Lama: It is.
Keith: Not without medication.
Lama: Yes, without medication.
Keith: I'm not buying it.

Keith reaches for his gimlet. The Dalai Lama looks at his wrist, as if checking the time, but there is no watch on his arm.

Lama: Wow, look at the time. I should be going. I’m supposed to meet John McCain before my lecture.

Drinking he second gimlet with diligence, Keith holds up a finger, signaling to the Lama to wait just one minute. He finishes his drink and slams it atop the bar.

Keith: Ask McCain something for me, will ya?
Lama: Sure.
Keith: Ask him to count backwards from 20 to 1.
Lama: Why?
Keith: Just do it. It’s a dementia thing.

The Dalai Lama motions to the bartender.

Bartender: Closing out your tab?
Lama: Yes, please.

The bartender brings the Dalai Lama his credit card, a Black American Express, and the bill, which he signs.

Keith: Damn, look at the Big Dog rolling with a black AMEX. What do they pay you to speak at these things?
Lama: Just shy of a King's ransom.
Keith: Hey, don’t forget. If you ever do the Buddhahood courses, cut me in on a piece. Here’s my email.

Keith writes his email on a napkin, folds it and stuffs it in the Lama’s dress.

Keith: Don’t loose that. I see that infomercial one day and there’s no check in my mailbox, I’ll sue.
Lama: It’s been a pleasure.
Keith: Knock ‘em dead, DL.
Lama: Yes, good bye.

The Dalai Lama exits. Keith turns to the bartender.

Keith: Two more gimlets. [to himself] That man is crazy. Absolutely crazy.

Entry Filed under: Aspen, Comedy