Majority of Nation’s Youth Believe Jesus was American

August 6th, 2008 at 09:31pm Keith Hemstreet 8

A recent study conducted by New Millennium Research, Inc., reported that 53 percent of U.S. high school students believe that Jesus Christ was an American.

“Quite honestly I was shocked,” said John Waterhouse, Chief of the Juvenile Research Division.

“Most multiple choice questions include what we call a gimme,” Waterhouse explained, referring to the answer that is very obviously incorrect. “American was the gimme. ”

The survey also revealed that student’s believed Christ’s birth fell around the time of George Washington’s presidency.

“There was absolutely no evidence of lateral thinking,” one researcher quipped. “Or intelligence for that matter.”

Results were so poor researchers considered the possibility that the students given the exam were actually “fucking with them,” though a major conspiracy was later ruled out.

The exam was designed to test student’s knowledge of important historical events and the geographic location of each.

Researchers feel the results are partially the effect of the “Geocentric Theory” in which American youth believe that all things significant were derived in America by Americans including, apparently, the Bible. Many academics claim that a bombardment of reality television, advertising, and United State’s dominance of the internet give young people the impression that there is nothing of relevance beyond our borders, nor has there ever been.

“History gets sucked into this red, white and blue vortex,” said Dr. Harold Zimmerman, professor of Cultural Studies at Columbus University. “Loyalty to television channels like MTV, VH1 and E! Entertainment not only diminishes a young person’s intellectual capacity, it completely disconnects them from what is going on internationally.”

Studies of neurological activity in high school students have shown that international news, or anything that maintains a level of seriousness for more than a few seconds, is often rejected by the frontal lobe, the portion of the brain that enables one to pay attention.

“Americans are known to be historically and geographically challenged, but this is absurd,” Waterhouse said.

A plan to reverse the so-called “Dumbing of America” is being presented to Congress this fall.

Additional findings of the study:
➢ The Roman Empire was ultimately defeated by American forces in Massachusetts.
➢ Genghis Khan was a pioneering rap group originating in 1980’s Brooklyn.
➢ The largest single export from the African continent is “nothing.”

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