The Haves And The About To Haves

August 15th, 2008 at 04:57pm Keith Hemstreet 8

Aspen is unique in that everyone is exceedingly wealthy, or is about to become so.

For example, the guy who makes balloon animals on the weekends is about to become the richest man in New Zealand. It’s true. He told me so himself. First he needs to save up enough money to buy a plane ticket to Auckland, but that’s a minor detail. Once he gets himself there, he’s going to present a plan to the government that will not only make him a billionaire many times over, but also flood the country’s vaults with more money than they could possibly spend. (Apparently, the government of New Zealand is very open to meetings with anyone, even vagrant, balloon artists.)

“Sounds interesting,” you may be saying to yourself. “So, what’s this guy’s plan?” Like you, I’m no dummy. I asked that very question. I thought that if he was about to become the richest man in New Zealand maybe I could run his scheme in Australia with the same results. Unfortunately, his idea is “top secret,” though he was able to divulge that he was going to set up a “revolving account” that enables money to flow from his bank into the government coffers and them back again. Genius, right? I’ll be keeping my eye out for this guy on Forbes next billionaires list.

Then there’s the kid at the coffee shop who is “about to start” designing a website that will make $17 million in revenue per month. How he came up with that figure I do not know, but I’m quite certain it’s legit. He’d even figured out his salary, one million dollars per month. (Feel free to re-read the previous sentence with a Dr. Evil pinky to the lip.)

“It’s not that I need that much,” he said. “It’s just, you know, just because.”

“Of course,” I said. “Of course.”

As with the Balloon Man, I pried for information. I wanted a piece of the action. Not much, just a taste. Hell, a one percent slice would put $170,000 in my pocket each month. With that kind of loot I could afford to live in Aspen for at least another year. But this kid was keeping tight lipped. I guess he’d read about how that Facebook schmuck had stolen the idea from his Harvard friends. What I did uncover was that his website would become the first to be utilized by every single person on planet earth, every single day. I didn’t even want to get into logistics of connecting the Shaman of the Amazon to the internet, much less the creepy, naked dudes in Papua New Guinea who shrink heads for a living. I’m sure he has that all figured out. Again, pure genius.

I wish I could say with confidence that I am one of the “about to haves”, but other than the lottery ticket in my back pocket, or possibly selling my baseball card collection on eBay, I don’t have any ideas that could bring me overnight wealth. Maybe I should organize a meeting with the Balloon Man, the Coffee Shop Kid, and myself. It’s likely that by the end of the meeting they will have come up with some kind of "revolving account internet thingamajig" that will enable the three of us to surpass Warren Buffett as the world’s richest men. I’m not greedy. I’d even settle with being third.

Entry Filed under: Aspen, Comedy