Saying Goodbye to Ben

June 29th, 2009 at 04:07pm Sue Gray 2468

My friend Sophia’s 28 year old son Ben died last week of complications from Oxycontin abuse. The drug had been prescribed to him for pain after a snowboarding accident in which his foot was severely broken. That was in the Spring of this year. Ben had a history of substance abuse and quickly became addicted to Oxycontin. He managed to get four different doctors prescribing the drug as well as several pharmacies dispensing it to him, despite the fact that he had contraindications. His death was a result of the drug combined with his asthma/allergy/sleep apnea which inhibited his body’s ability to clear fluid from his lungs. In essence, Ben drowned in his sleep. He was found twenty-four hours later by his brother.

Sophia is one of the sweetest, most compassionate women I’ve ever met and her son’s death in this manner hit her hard. As I held her close while she sobbed uncontrollably, I couldn’t help but think, “there but for the grace of God go I.” My own son is 32, has a history of substance abuse and also takes prescription pain meds for a back injury. My empathy for Sophia was so strong that I was physically ill when I left her house and have been affected by shock and grief ever since.

On Saturday Ben’s friends and family held a farewell ceremony for him at Glory Hole Park in Aspen. I was honored to have been a part of it by smudging guests with sage smoke before they entered the sacred circle which was constructed of colorful tapestries, flowers and live plants, with a collection of Ben’s belongings and photos in the center. Sophia is an Earth Mother, a Shaman Sister, a practitioner of ancient Native American customs and rituals, so this “funeral” was like no other.

After the eighty guests had been smudged by three of us helpers, everyone took a seat or stood around the circle. Sophia began the ceremony by calling in the spirits of the ancestors as well as those of friends and family who couldn’t attend. She then walked around the circle, asking the blessing of the spirits of the Four Directions. After she was seated among her two daughters and three sisters, she introduced her father and Ben’s father and brother opposite the circle from her.

For several hours thereafter Ben’s family and friends told their favorite stories about him. Bursts of laughter were punctuated by tears and intermittent drumming, rattling, and singing. I didn’t know Ben, but afterward I felt as if I had. His friends and family described him as an incredibly social, gregarious, intelligent and sensitive young man who was always willing to help anyone in need, be they family, friend or stranger. He brought great joy to everyone he knew, but now, their joy had turned to sorrow.

While acknowledging her son’s mistake, Sophia also spoke of her anger at the doctor’s and pharmacist’s negligence. In tears, she begged his young friends to stay away from Oxycontin and not to abuse any drug or alcohol. I hope, for the sake of their mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and friends, that they heed her advice.

Entry Filed under: Health, Family, Spirituality

6 Comments Add your own

1. Michael Conniff | June 30th, 2009 at 6:26 am

I'm sorry for your friend's loss and for the whole family and his many friends. I had heard about this almost by chance from a friend just moments after Ben had been found dead.

My friend said: "I just hope it's not an overdose."

In the valley, of course, it always seems like it's an overdose. My son's friends had a memorial service for his friend Cody Saturday at Ruedi Reservoir. Cody, in his early 20s, drank himself to death, and his friends--in his honor--got hammered at the memorial service and kept right on going at Stubbies after my son, still somehow sober, left.

The need for younger people to "celebrate" the death of their friends like Cody from substance abuse by committing further substance abuse is sad and even pathetic beyond description, and a telling part of a community that still somehow thinks all drug use comes under the category of "cool."

How many overdoses and suicides do people need to see before they realize they will inevitably be "celebrating" death instead of life?
2. Sue Gray | June 30th, 2009 at 7:27 am

Michael, thanks and you are absolutely correct.

As a matter of fact, after the ceremony in the park, Ben's friends gave a party at Eric's in Aspen. Sophia agonized over the fact that there would be alcohol and I declined to attend this part of the "celebration of death." It's too hard to watch young people abusing their bodies after such a tragedy.

It's too bad Ben's friends just couldn't have been satisfied by Sophia's beautiful gesture of farewell.
3. JMerri1jr | July 1st, 2009 at 10:35 am

To let you all know… They DID NOT serve alcohol in honor of Ben at Eric’s, they served soda, ice tea and water out of respect for Ben. As someone who was friends with Ben it is sad to hear how people are speculating and assuming that we all went and got buzzed up. It was actually a very nice memorial at Eric’s with pictures and a slide show of his life. I believe I can speak for all of Ben’s friends when I say we are all shocked that Ben and gone and miss him dearly… we would not like him to be remembered as some guy who over dosed on prescription medication. He was a dear friend and will be remembered as that. “Saying goodbye to Ben” was exactly what we did…sober. To report on something that is not correct is very sad, especially when it hits so close to home to so many of his friends and loved ones.
4. Michael Conniff | July 1st, 2009 at 12:34 pm

Jill:

If you re-read above, the anecdote was from the memorial service for Cody and not Ben, citing my own son as the source.

Cody drank himself to death and his friends "celebrated" by drinking hard. Cody died of painkillers, according to Sue's account (above). Obviously I was not implying that ANYONE at Ben's funeral went out and did painkillers. Sue's account stands as a description of quite the opposite, as your comment suggests.

I'm sorry for any confusion.

Best, Michael!
5. Sue Gray | July 1st, 2009 at 2:21 pm

I'm sorry also. Ben's mom Sophia was under the impression there would be alcohol served at Eric's. I'm glad she was wrong and that Ben's friends celebrated sober.
6. infowars.com | July 1st, 2009 at 6:36 pm

WOW

open mouth, insert foot.....

wonder if theres gonna be an on air apology?