I read in Friday’s Aspen Times that off-leach dogs may soon be allowed to run free on Smuggler Road. Judging by all of the un-leached dogs you see scampering up and down this popular hiking trail each day, you’d have thought this was already law. I wish I’d known that dogs were required to be leached. I would have strapped a billy club to my belt and made hundreds of citizen arrests by now.
Continue Reading 1 comment May 23rd, 2008
I am having a difficult time deciding which presidential candidate would receive my vote come November, should I actually remember to vote. I think my problem is that I know very little about the candidates, other than the basics; white man; black man, white woman…Republican, Democrat, Democrat…war hero, dynamic speaker, wife of Bill…old as mummy dust, young and inexperienced, middle aged and somewhat bitchy, etc.
Ideally, I’d dedicate the time to read the most recent book written by each candidate in order to gain a better understanding of who they are as a person, but that would mean I would have to read three books, so, forget it.
Continue Reading Add comment May 17th, 2008
I haven’t been sleeping much lately, which means I’ve spent countless hours in the hopeless darkness thinking of the most ridiculous things imaginable. The sleep deprived mind, I’ve learned, is not a sane mind.
Last night I could not stop thinking about a story I had read online. Two Houston teens, the story reported, were arrested for digging up a grave to make a pot pipe from a skull. The writer mentioned that he would love to hear the conversation that led to such a brilliant idea, so I figured I’d oblige him.
Continue Reading 1 comment May 10th, 2008
I have a problem with tomatoes. It’s nothing personal. A tomato has never intentionally harmed me and I am well aware of the tomato’s nutritional value. However, in certain circumstances, I react poorly to the presence of a tomato. It is one of those bizarre personal issues that would require a session or two of psychoanalysis to get to the bottom of, but I will do my best to explain the problem by citing a recent tomato encounter.
Continue Reading Add comment May 3rd, 2008
I was recently given what may be my favorite gift of all-time, an iPod. I know. I’m late to the game. The iPod has been around for years. I should have had one long ago, but the truth is, an iPod is not a necessity. I can’t eat it and it doesn’t protect me from the elements. An iPod is a luxury item, and once you’re a father with two daughters (i.e. future shoppers) it becomes quite likely that you will never purchase another luxury item for yourself as long as you live.
My iPod was a gift for being a groomsman in my buddy’s wedding. This little miracle of modern technology has changed my life. Prior to having an iPod, I was burdened with the grim reality of life on this foolish planet. By simply adding some music to the equation, things have changed.
Continue Reading Add comment April 12th, 2008
This week, the Daily News reported that the City of Aspen is requesting locals go to aspenpitkin.com and complete a questionnaire. According to the article, the questionnaire asks people to list their three favorite places to congregate, as well as their three favorite places to be alone and reflect.
My first thought was that I didn’t want the city to know my favorite places. If they knew, they might do something stupid and ruin them.
So, instead I’ve opted to present the city with the three places that I don’t like to congregate, and the three places that I definitely don’t like to go when I want to be alone and reflect.
Continue Reading 2 comments April 5th, 2008
The internet, God bless it, sure does make work a whole lot more enjoyable. Who amongst us hasn’t spent time randomly browsing the internet while at work? Everyone does it. It really is a blessing to be able to spend time pursuing a topic of interest, purchasing a book, or planning a vacation on your computer, all while pretending to be working on something job related like a spreadsheet, a memo, or some such ridiculous thing. Prior to the advent of the computer, I can’t fathom how employees wasted time efficiently. They really had it tough.
Continue Reading Add comment March 29th, 2008
Two men are seated in a cab. One man is driving. The other man rides in the back. One is working, making his living driving a cab. The other is on vacation, leaving a party, intoxicated. A short time into the ride a fight ensues. The driver flees his cab with a concussion, nasal contusion, and bloody nose. The passenger jumps into the driver’s seat and speeds away in the cab.
Continue Reading 1 comment March 22nd, 2008
“Did you exchange a walk on part in the war, for a lead roll in a cage?”
-Pink Floyd
These days life moves at hyper-speed. I constantly feel as though I am racing to complete one task just so I can move on to the next.
When I walk through town, I do not stroll. I speed-walk. I don’t have time to stroll. I am never caught up. There are always things left undone.
But this week nature put the brakes on my frantic pace. I woke Wednesday around 4 AM, vomited and continued to do so for the next six hours. Thus, I was quarantined to my bedroom where I spent the day and night lying in my bed.
Continue Reading Add comment March 15th, 2008
More often than not, well-intentioned city governments really fuck things up. Such is the case in the debate over serving limits at the soon-to-be-open Aspen Brewery. A December ruling stated that the brewery could not serve patrons in the “tasting room” (“bar” incognito) more than one-pint of beer in a 24-hour period. As my buddy so eloquently put it, “What kind of crap is that?”
Continue Reading 2 comments March 7th, 2008
