My college roommate left me a voice mail yesterday morning. His message was short, simple and to the point.
“Your balls are showing,” he whispered, and hung up.
Those who are not in the know might consider this message to be cryptic, weird, and/or seriously demented. The truth is, it's none of the above.
Continue Reading 1 comment July 5th, 2008
When I was in sixth grade we took a field trip to the Lake Worth Community Pool. I had just purchased a new bathing suit for the occasion. A Quicksilver, checkerboard number that matched very nicely with my checkerboard shoes. I believe I even wore a checkerboard hat, which would have been logical.
Every sixth grade class in the district was at the pool that day, so it was important that I make a statement. And I did. I was the dumb ass checkerboarded from head to toe.
Continue Reading 1 comment June 28th, 2008
Last week it was reported that a gang of beavers flooded Highway 82. Most probably wrote this off as an unfortunate accident, but I’ve been told by a credible source that it was no accident at all. The beavers flooded our highway on purpose.
Continue Reading 1 comment June 13th, 2008
I read in Friday’s Aspen Times that off-leach dogs may soon be allowed to run free on Smuggler Road. Judging by all of the un-leached dogs you see scampering up and down this popular hiking trail each day, you’d have thought this was already law. I wish I’d known that dogs were required to be leached. I would have strapped a billy club to my belt and made hundreds of citizen arrests by now.
Continue Reading 1 comment May 23rd, 2008
I am having a difficult time deciding which presidential candidate would receive my vote come November, should I actually remember to vote. I think my problem is that I know very little about the candidates, other than the basics; white man; black man, white woman…Republican, Democrat, Democrat…war hero, dynamic speaker, wife of Bill…old as mummy dust, young and inexperienced, middle aged and somewhat bitchy, etc.
Ideally, I’d dedicate the time to read the most recent book written by each candidate in order to gain a better understanding of who they are as a person, but that would mean I would have to read three books, so, forget it.
Continue Reading Add comment May 17th, 2008
I haven’t been sleeping much lately, which means I’ve spent countless hours in the hopeless darkness thinking of the most ridiculous things imaginable. The sleep deprived mind, I’ve learned, is not a sane mind.
Last night I could not stop thinking about a story I had read online. Two Houston teens, the story reported, were arrested for digging up a grave to make a pot pipe from a skull. The writer mentioned that he would love to hear the conversation that led to such a brilliant idea, so I figured I’d oblige him.
Continue Reading 1 comment May 10th, 2008
My novice attempt at video-making and finally joining the YouTube crowd. I still can't seem to insert the actual video, so the link to YouTube is provided if you click on the photo.
Add comment May 4th, 2008
I have a problem with tomatoes. It’s nothing personal. A tomato has never intentionally harmed me and I am well aware of the tomato’s nutritional value. However, in certain circumstances, I react poorly to the presence of a tomato. It is one of those bizarre personal issues that would require a session or two of psychoanalysis to get to the bottom of, but I will do my best to explain the problem by citing a recent tomato encounter.
Continue Reading Add comment May 3rd, 2008
The news that the Wheeler Opera House will be home to a new comedy festival this Memorial Day is great news for Aspen, if not quite as good as the possibility that HBO might one day return for the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival (USCAF).
The Aspen Rooftop Comedy Festival is coming in a partnership between the Wheeler Opera House and the Rooftop Comedy operation based in San Francisco.
Continue Reading Add comment May 1st, 2008
The party of ideas has descended into potty-mouth Purgatory this primary season—but not to worry.
No matter how wrong or wrong-headed conservatives can be, they never ever take the hit for just being wrong. Being a conservative, in fact, means never having to say you’re sorry whether you’re sorry or not. Mistakes or missteps? They’re for liberals, silly, the movement so ashamed of themselves they duck the word “liberal” like a miscreant priest at Confession.
Continue Reading 4 comments April 22nd, 2008
